Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
