There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Randomize
