Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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