so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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