he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
