I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
