Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
