Do you still have your period?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I AM VODKA MAN
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
