the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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