Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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