So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
