Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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