There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
