i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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