I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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