apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
