I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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