community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
