Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
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