dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
