i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize