I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
