Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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