Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
