I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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