Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
