I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
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do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
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He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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