Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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