he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
