6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
