God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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