I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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