Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
