It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
