i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
