I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
