i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
