I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
