The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
