last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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