Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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