My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
