Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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