Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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