the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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