woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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