It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
