so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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