if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
