he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
