as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
