It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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