I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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