Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
