i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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