I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
You took a bar mat shot.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
