I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
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