i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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