He disabled his match.com account in front of me
wanna go halves on a baby?
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
