We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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