i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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