i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
