what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
